I have been hospitalized 20 times.
I’ve been to Residential Treatment twice (a combined time length of 5 months). I’ve been in Partial Hospitalization Programs 3 times and in an Intensive Outpatient Program once. I recently had to quit my job, a job I really loved, but also a job that just didn’t mesh well with good ol’ Depression. I owe thousands of dollars in medical bills. I’m on 7 different medications. Every second of my life feels like an hour, even though my thoughts race at the speed of light.
I feel like there is death in me everyday. I wake up with depression each day and some days the depression dies as the day goes on. On occasion, the opposite happens. I awake with happiness, but then my smile dies, and depression emerges. Even though depression isn’t a game, it does feel like a very competitive game of Chutes & Ladders. Just when I’ve nearly climbed my way to the finish line, I suddenly slide back down to the beginning of my journey. It’s a defeating feeling being so close yet so far.
When I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 16, I thought it was the end. Never would I have thought, nearly 10 years later, that was just the beginning.