I have often wondered if I should even try anymore. What’s the point in living if I don’t have a thriving life to live? I’m alone, or at least I feel that way. Fortunately, I have lost the urge to take my own life. It only took 10 years.
10 years may seem like a long time, but there are tons of people that have lived with depression much longer and still think about, and have attempted, suicide. Whether you are young, old, or somewhere in-between, remember, there is a reason for you to be on this planet. Depression can take you mind, your heart and even your soul, but just as you came to have depression, you can overcome it as well.
As I write this to whoever is reading it, I am also writing to myself. I struggle everyday, yet I also smile, laugh, hope and dream. If you can’t smile right now and if you have lost all hope, hold on to your dreams. There is always something you and I dream about. I dream of writing a book (or two), successfully living on my own, being free to be who I am, and even owning my own pottery studio. These are big dreams and I need to remember these daily to keep on keepin’ on. I also have dreams of making it to the next day, paying off my debt, and remembering my next therapist appointment. These may seem like small dreams, but small things make big dreams possible! Make connections. If I pay off my bills, talk to my therapist regularly and make it to the next day, I’m on my way to sparking inspiration for my book, looking for my first apartment, making pottery everyday, and feeling free for the first time. I’m not saying all this will happen over night, but, as they say, you have to learn to crawl before you can walk.
Sometimes I hate life, other times I love life. This is the ebb and flow of depression. It has a iron grip, but that grip can weakened and it can certainly let go. Think of your dreams, big and small. Do more of what you love and less of what depression brings you to love. I like sleeping all day, but that’s what my depression likes. What I love even more is nice Fall days, beautiful sunsets, and laughing with my little sister. I can’t do any of that if I’m asleep in bed. If depression has a hold on you, hold on even tighter to your dreams and you can make it through, one day at a time.
Dreams are my reason for living because they help me push through the negativity that wants to bring me down. Every year, every month, every day, and every hour of every second I have my dreams to hold on to.
What are your dreams?
What are your reasons for living?
I have been hospitalized 20 times.
I’ve been to Residential Treatment twice (a combined time length of 5 months). I’ve been in Partial Hospitalization Programs 3 times and in an Intensive Outpatient Program once. I recently had to quit my job, a job I really loved, but also a job that just didn’t mesh well with good ol’ Depression. I owe thousands of dollars in medical bills. I’m on 7 different medications. Every second of my life feels like an hour, even though my thoughts race at the speed of light.
I feel like there is death in me everyday. I wake up with depression each day and some days the depression dies as the day goes on. On occasion, the opposite happens. I awake with happiness, but then my smile dies, and depression emerges. Even though depression isn’t a game, it does feel like a very competitive game of Chutes & Ladders. Just when I’ve nearly climbed my way to the finish line, I suddenly slide back down to the beginning of my journey. It’s a defeating feeling being so close yet so far.
When I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 16, I thought it was the end. Never would I have thought, nearly 10 years later, that was just the beginning.
Quiet Complexity is a very personal blog. This page is about mental health, mental illness and my own struggles with Depression.
The intent of this blog is to give true, raw insight into my life living with mental illness. I feel that the most quiet and reserved human beings have the most to say. This is not only an outlet for me to write my story, but a way of outreach to those that feel the same way I feel. My hope is that through this blog, individuals and families struggling with mental illness will find that they are not alone in their suffering.
Depression and its symptoms are not a game. It is real, it is terrifying, and it can even paralyze a life once known to be happy, productive and promising. I have lived with depression for 10 years. Some days are great, some days are neutral, and some days I can’t even fathom leaving my bed. It’s simply part of the illness.
Even though Depression can seem simple (being sad sounds simple enough, right? Wrong), it’s one of the most complex things I have ever dealt with in my life. Until now, I’ve kept pretty quiet about my struggle, but that ends today.
Welcome to my blog.